I tried to write the other day but couldn’t finish my expression because I WAS holding myself back. I kept looking back at what I was writing trying to see if what I AM SAYING was making any sense. In the actual, I am not writing for you. I AM NOT WRITING FOR YOU. I am doing it for me. My fingers have become an ink pen, quill heavy-handed. Fingertips clicking on my keyboard, made of metal. Writing in stone what ghost I can capture wandering the hollows of my own head. I refuse to keep this pattern playing. MOVIE IS OVER, YOU CAN LEAVE. I was doing shit in my room today with a ted talk playing in the background. I started with one I’ve heard before and let it autoplay to a new one when it was finished. It started to go in this direction of mental state configuration of how the brain works and what not. I had to stop doing shit and sit down AND LISTEN. I felt like I was trapped in this big room with a small tv on some circle rug in the middle of nowhere. Brainwashing. The speaker goes into this sonnet, so rhythmic I am trying to learn the words to sing along. Talks about how plastic this computer is in our heads. How diligent it works to please us. Our brain does what it thinks we want. Then, change scenery, our brain repeats things we repeat. Uncomfortable situations, people that drive us up a fucking wall, any “would have, could have, should have” situation that we eat buckets of shitty, stale, old popcorn to but can never CHANGE THE CHANNEL. CAN NEVER PUT ON MUTE. CAN NEVER LEAVE THE ROOM. NEVER RUNNING OUT OF POPCORN. This endless circle intersection that is so goddamn jammed packed that you can never exit BECAUSE NO ONE GIVES YOU THE RIGHT-OF-WAY. Fucking brain traffic jam. Gridlock. I’m walking. The speaker inserts information from studies and such. Going on and on in detail about how you think and how you are. “Fuck, I hate this.”– your brain changes the weather and winds of discomfort blow up your dress. Blow off your hat. Replaying what you don’t like, trapped in some mirror house, all distorted. Can’t leave. The speaker gave this example of how these people were training for something. They were running around outside and the weather was so shitty. The speaker was like, FUCK THAT. Then, they were like, “Out here in this bullshit, they are all singing.” The speaker mentioned that it was a tactic to overcome the brain. Can’t fine-tune discomfort when you’re singing songs that make you want to dance. It really put me in my place as to when I am uncomfortable. I always find myself going back and forth on how much I HATE IT. All the clocks in the world stop ticking and I’m forever in this hell of whatever I don’t want to do. I’m trying to do what the speaker was talking about. Be in control of how you’re feeling with what you’re doing. When something sucks, does it really have to? Can’t you just move past it with a little practice? I don’t see why the fuck you can’t, why the fuck I can’t.